Society tells us a lot about what it means if our partner sleeps with someone else... Is it possible to watch and enjoy? With Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and http://SexGeekSummerCamp.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, "What's wrong with you dude? You just sit there and watch while someone else fucked your girl?" and while the language wasn't very polite I really think there's a good point in there and something that's useful to address.
Reid: We like all comments, and then you know, when you are really, really mean to us we might make of you. Hater comments, we love our haters to.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko with http://www.ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com and this is my pussy cup.
Cathy: I think our society does imply to a lot of men like if someone, a couple or group to consider opening up their relationship. There is pressure, and there's a thought that if a guy watches his partner, a female partner, or even a male partner have sex with somebody else there is ... you are not being masculine, you are being cuckold, you are being made a fool of or you are a wimp. I learned new points on that.
Reid: There's a lot of different directions to go with this. One is if that doesn't feel good to you then don't do that.
Cathy: There's good internally versus what society has taught us to believe, like it's nice to be able to break free of what society says is the right thing ...
Cathy: ... and do what feels good to you.
Reid: Is the situation that's happening for you is that knee jerk reaction because you've never considered it, or if you've considered it, you are like that's not my thing.
Cathy: Some people find it very hot, and some people that are in open relationships don't want to see their partner fucking someone else. They don't want to know. They are okay with them going off and doing that as long as it's safe sex they don't want to know.
Reid: It's a consensual thing but it's not a ... I don't need to be there for whatever reason. If you untangled the deconstructed cultural messaging, and then you are putting the world together back in a way that actually makes you happy then we could construe that this comment is like, "Dude, I don't like watching my woman, or my partner have sex with somebody else." Totally cool. You don't have to watch your partner have sex with somebody else, and you could even create a relationship where you and your partner are monogamous so you don't have to even handle that concern because it's not a concern that you want to build into your life.
Cathy: Right. My concern about society is it tends to treat that belief is based on a time when women were thought to belong to their husband, and the partner didn't have a choice in how they use their body. If you have an agreement, yes you've agreed not to do that but my body belongs to me and unless I have an agreement saying that I'm not going to share it with other people, I get to share it, and that doesn't make the people I'm sleeping with less of a man, or less powerful because I choose to share my body with someone else.
Reid: When you deconstruct the ownership part of any kind of relationship, and that you're partner's "owe" you things, where you owe them then you are opening up a situation where okay, so now we have choice. We have agency, like I get to be empowered about these things, and then you can design the world, and the relationships, maybe not the world, but your relationship world that fosters and nourishes you and then you can also choose what ... Here's this area where I feel, "Ah, there's something there, and I'd like to explore it. Can I watch you make out with somebody else?" or whatever, take baby steps. Hold somebody else's at the ice cream shop like whatever so that you can lean into and feel into what's going on for you, and if that's an area you want to work on but then I'm also ... I want to be cognizant of just because you don't want to work on that area, doesn't mean you are not involved, and that you have a right to create whatever works for you. You don't have to work on your ... those issues if you are necessary, if you are monogamous, or something like that.